Pnoy’s ‘leaked’ SONA

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MANILA, Philippines – It seems President Noynoy Aquino is aware of goings-on in showbiz—at least his supposed “leaked” second State of the Nation Address (SONA) speech suggests so.

A number of popular and controversial celebrities were referenced in his purported SONA which made rounds in social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter hours prior to the president’s actual speech before the House of Representatives last July 25.

The said humorous, satirical piece was drafted by section blogger “@I_amHolo” and was originally posted on Newsbreak’s website on Monday.

In the introduction, the “president” addressed Vice-president Jejomar Binay, thus: “I know Junjun was just trying to be witty, but it offended Kris and me,” referring to the VP’s son and “PNoy”’s sister, Kris Aquino.

Just last week, Kris declared that she’s distancing herself from Makati Mayor Junjun Binay after the former got offended by the latter’s intriguing remark about marriage in an interview with a national broadsheet.

The supposed SONA even had the president quoting the actual statement of Mayor Junjun as the former “urged the Congress to pass the Divorce Bill.”

“Why do people marry? Because of lack of knowledge. Why do people separate? Because of lack of experience. Why do people remarry? Because of loss of memory,” the speech stated.

As if a script to a TV show, the next paragraph went: “(MOMENT NI KRIS. MAG-ISA SIYANG PAPALAKPAK AT TATAWA. WALANG KOKONTRA: ‘AHAHAHAHAHA. SI NOY TALAGA, WITTY AND PEANUT BITTER. LOVE IT!’)””

Interestingly, Kris and Mayor Junjun were seen seating beside each other and talking during the SONA. The former explained the scenario on Twitter, July 25:

“Yes, magkatabi kami ni Mayor Jun Binay. Ate (Ballsy Aquino) asked him gusto ba nyang magtabi kami para peace na? Friends na kami. Peace on earth.”

The speech also cited TV host-actress Anne Curtis—along with Department of Transportation and Communication (DOTC) Secretary Mar Roxas—who rode the MRT early this month to catch the concert of Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue at the Araneta Coliseum.

“Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Kaya ibinenta ko ang aking Porsche.Mungkahi ni Mar at Anne Curtis, mag-MRT na lang ako. Wala nang wangwang, wala pang counterflow,” said “PNoy.”

The “chief executive” also blamed former President and now-Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for the controversies involving Heart Evangelista and Marian Rivera, as well as the alleged Azkals rape victim, model Amanda Coling.

“Dahil kay Gloria, nag-away si Heart Evangelista at Marian Rivera. Dahil kay Gloria, naging “alleged” victim si Amanda Coling,” the speech stated.

The speech also mentioned TV host Willie Revillame, who recently donated P100,000 to a fundraising effort for the acquisition of new vehicles for bishops. Recall that several bishops were criticized of late for supposedly purchasing luxury vehicles using money from the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO) that were given to them during Arroyo’s term.

“Hayaan na nating si Willie ang mamudmod ng Pajero,” said “PNoy.”

As for the escalating dispute between Philippines and China on the highly-coveted Spratly Islands, “PNoy” said:

“Kasama ang buong sandatahang lakas ng Pilipinas, ipapadala natin sa Spratlys sina (Sarangani) Cong. Manny Pacquiao at (Davao City) Mayor Sara Duterte upang ipagtanggol ang ating interes laban sa Tsina. Sa pakikitungo natin sa Tsina, kamay na bakal ang kailangan.”

The speech also had “PNoy” enumerating his busy schedule—which includes time for “meeting Aquino sisters” and watching “Kris TV,” his youngest sibling’s daily morning show, and bonding with Kris’ two sons, Joshua and Baby James, more famously known as “Bimby.”

Even the much-debated billboard issue apparently didn’t escape the eye of the “president.”

“An Act Regulating the placement of billboards. To all advertisers, don’t distort nature. There are no volcanoes along the Pasig River,” read a part of the speech, apparently referring to the Philippine rugby team (a.k.a. Philippine Volcanoes), whose “offensive” underwear billboards on EDSA-Guadalupe had been taken down.

A part of the speech looked to have been inspired by “Harry Potter”—particularly its main villain Lord Voldemort—as “PNoy” seemingly took a swipe at Cong. Arroyo, who was a no-show at the actual SONA: “she who shall not be named for she is absent.”

Love life

The speech also touched on the bachelor president’s love life. Although names weren’t mentioned, it seemingly alluded to PNoy’s ex-girlfriend, Valenzuela Councilor Shalani Soledad, as well as two other personalities linked to him, Singapore-based reporter Sabrina Chua, and teacher Bunny Calica.

In separate parts, “PNoy” went:

“Sa isang banda po ay ang tuwid na daan. Mula Valenzuela, nakaabot ako ng Singapore, para lang makahanap ng First Lady ng bayan.”

“Kung gusto niyo akong maging produktibo sa trabaho, tantanan niyo ang love lifeko.”

“And finally, in place of the Freedom of Information (FOI) Bill, I enjoin Congress to enact a law banning media coverage of my flings. I’ve had enough of gossipy and trivial reporting like Newsbreak’s Inside Track piece on my Hotdog concert date.”

Wrapping up his speech, “PNoy” said, “Habang wala pa rin akong Kumander, kayo pa rin ang boss ko.”

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